Written Sunday August 13, 2006
I could go on and on wondering why or what is wrong with me that I cant find someone to begin and maintain a close, personal, and eventually intimate relationship. This has plagued me for a while, I am sure this has been inadvertently answered many times but yet I am blind to the subliminal. I am just to damn stubborn, vain, ignorant, and vengeful to realize that I will die alone. So, I guess this is it... I need to train myself to deactivate all my emotions and quit hoping and dreaming of a life that includes romance, companionship and intimacy with anyone but myself. The f*cked up thing about this is even I wouldn't pursue a relationship of this nature with myself, how freaking sad is that?
If all you need is love to enter the kingdom of Heaven, I have a non-refundable one way ticket to Hell. It is days, times, and situations like these that I beg for a release from these frightening thoughts of self hate and worthlessness, which has become a personal daily mental disease of thought. I instinctively occupy my thoughts enough to subdue what my reality really truly is... a waste of life and oxygen, incapable of receiving unconditional love.
I could cry or I could scream and break things, but that would just add on to my worthlessness and subtract what little love I do receive; from the handful of family that only love me because they have to and maybe a few "friends" that only love me when it benefits themselves.
As I was being raised as a child I wish the individuals who reared me would have prepared me for the worst in every situation, especially in matters of the heart. If I were told then that I would live a lonely and loveless life I wouldn't expect anything more than what I have right now. But we in our American life would rather heighten and stimulate the emotions and mentality of our young by feeding them false prophecies of growing old happy with a spouse, children, and grandchildren whose love for one another is unconditional and eternal. But honestly, are there not more people in my place than in that wonderful fairy tale world?
Naturally I would like to place blame, possibly on the individuals who raised me, due to the fact that they were not completely honest about the rules of engagement. Though the actual realization is there is no blame to be given. The facts of life are not universal and are definitely not the same for any given individual.
Over the thirty years of my life I have learned a vast number of things, met thousands of people, and encountered numerous situations both good and bad. Each and every day I have been allowed to live one more day, I in some way realize why life and the purpose of the Creation exists. It has taken my thirty years of life to learn these lessons...
* You never truly know who your real friends are.
* Families are forever. The love may be unconditional, but not always the like for one another.
* Never instill to much trust in another. Trust should be built through time, communication, and mutual respect.
* Besides God and His love, nobody but yourself should come first. Without you, you are nobody.
* There is no such thing as perfect here on Earth. Overlook the little things through life and you will provide yourself with more time for happiness and peace.
* Realize that if you love yourself, there is always someone who loves you. In turn, don't expect to be loved by another until the everlasting love for yourself resides in you.
* Do not let situations consume you to the point you begin to doubt your self worth. Everything works out in the end, even the inevitable.
* Quoting my Grandfather, "If you lie with dogs, you will get fleas."
* Always choose wisely when faced with a decision, responsibility to yourself and your happiness comes first.
AND...
* No matter what... what goes around comes around. Good is rewarded with good, evil is rewarded with evil. Some religions call this karma, nonetheless it is not a belief, it is a fact.
Smooches and Much Love,
Holly Wood
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