<:*Facebook Statuses of the Past*:>

That is the last time I fall asleep watching History channel. I dreamt I was Jewish in Nazi Germany! I woke up right as they were taking me to the gas chamber, turns out the dog had just farted...
January 8, 2010 at 1:35pm

Had a lady tell me today, "You know nothing about women..." And then I thought to myself, "What the f*ck do I need to know about women??" Right?!?!
January 27, 2010 at 5:51pm

You are constantly partially there for me...is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
January 29, 2010 at 10:05am

If homosexuality is a disease then let's just all call in to work, "Um yes, can't come to work... still queer!"
March 5, 2010 at 11:52am

Just realized the make up of my evening plans - two lesbians, a fag, an old hippie lady and a medical marijuana dispensary owner/caregiver all going to see Broadway's "Mary Poppins"... hmmm...? Sounds a little "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" doesn't it??
March 5, 2010 at 12:13pm

im feeling a lil frisky... who wants to go gay bashing??
June 3, 2010 at 8:22pm

He's homophobic?? Well good, we should get along great... so am I!
June 30, 2010 at 11:43am

does anyone know where to get a "Your Not Dead Yet?" greeting card?? Or maybe a "I Hate Your Guts Please Don't Exist..." card???
August 17, 2009 at 10:24pm

so I went to the fundraiser and it was like a gathering of everyone I ever slept with... hmmm? i didn't realize they were so charitable (that should tell y'all how they were in bed!)
August 26, 2009 at 9:26pm

this is way i figure it - people have one advantage over me... they can kiss my butt and I can't.
September 2, 2009 at 7:58pm

is wondering why my milkshake isn't bringing the boys to the yard??
September 4, 2009 at 1:44pm

Ok candy craving is over - really didn't want it after I had it (like boys) but now I want a beer!! Mmmm Honey Brown (like boys), oh no wait, Fat Tire (not like boys)...
September 28, 2009 at 8:49pm

FML - The puppy just decided to jump on a lady on crutches at the dog park, bite her ear then piss on her crutches... great start to the day!!
November 12, 2009 at 8:20am

Wow - ex on one end of the bar, current flame at the other, and a handful of drink coupons... what a crazy, fun, unexpected night to remember! Deep Cheese is the Bomb!! No one can hover over a crapper like you girl! LMAO
November 22, 2009 at 1:48pm

"b*tch quit stressin me out! You makin my weave hurt..." -hollywood
November 30, 2009 at 5:40pm